So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
