I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
