I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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