There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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