Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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