No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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