I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
