Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
