His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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