saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
