Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
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she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
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Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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