I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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