i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
