I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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