I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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