I think my vagina is haunted
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
