You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
