DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
