I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
