i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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