i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Randomize
