In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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