definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
My penis needs a shock collar
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
