Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
