I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
