I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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