Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
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She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
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So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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