they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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