I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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