They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.