I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
