the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
