I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize