There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
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I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
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you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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