So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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