Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
