dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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