Four minutes until I can fart!
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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