I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I am available for nakedness
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
