I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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