last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
