Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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