I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
