Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
