I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
