Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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