I got chris browned last night
STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He? As in you personified your dick?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
