Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
