Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
