today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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