WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
