I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
