I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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