The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Randomize
