my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
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