I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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