The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize