Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
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I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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