dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
