hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Is it because I queefed?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
