she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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