glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Success! We fucked roommates!
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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