You really coming over, don't trick.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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