I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
