did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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