I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
